Saturday, June 14, 2008

Why haven't I been writing?

Which is a good question....I'm not a big fan of taking a critical look at myself and my current habits...so this should be fun!
1. I've been busy
Which is true...but any busier than normal.....ummm not really.
2. I've been compartmentalizing
Ohhhh...isn't that a great word! I learned it at a youth ministry conference a few months back. I think that once I heard the term and the idea behind it...I thought to myself, "I don't think I do that, my life is an open book." And then I started to do it and just now realized that it was happening. I think it started as a way to protect myself. I recently started living a very public life where I am going to be critized and judged for everything that I do...not that it's a surprise, but I'm really starting to be aware of it happening and I have to learn how to deal with it. I avoided the blog because early on, I wrote about some very difficult things about my past. It felt great to write about it, but once I started to work so much in the church, I was ashamed of it again. It's still not something that I am comfortable talking about...even though I thought that I had resolved that issue, apparantly not.
3. It's hard to be honest with myself
Because that means I have to be honest with God. I know in my head that He already knows all of this stuff anyway...but there's something about the process of thinking of, speaking of, writing of my fears and sins that forces me to aknowledge the truth of them that it painful. I'm sure that I'm supposed to feel this pain so that I won't relive it, but it doesn't erase the fact that I'm not actively looking for ways to feel pain. I am actively looking for ways to avoid pain.

But I miss writing and I miss the honest relationship that I was having with myself and Jesus. I thought about just writing in a journal, but it's not the same...I think that I need the accountability of blogging and the community that it gave me with faraway friends.

I am recommitting to my blog, to writing and to honesty.....hooray!

10 comments:

Holly said...

YAY!

The thing I've found about writing is that it can be good for the soul. I know sometimes it's hard to put things out there that you're ashamed of, but in the end you're only helping yourself.

I've missed you!

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