Sunday, June 24, 2007

letting go

It's funny how you can think...well, let yourself believe that you are letting go of something, or someone....but then you hear a song or an old friend comes back from your past and all of those memories and feelings that you had been ignoring come flooding back into your head. I guess I have been thinking a lot about love lately because many of my friends are getting married and I spend a lot of time with middle and high school girls who are obsessed with it...and because it has been so long since I have love. I love, deeply, dearly love many people...more people now than I ever once thought I was capable of loving. But I am not passionately IN LOVE with any of them. I used to know passionate love, at least I thought I did at the time....and looking back now, I think that I can distinguish the difference between the men that I loved and the ones that were just filling the void. My friends who lived through my Jeff days will roll their eyes when I say that even though I was only a teenager.....I loved Jeff with all of my heart. And I know that I loved him because I trusted him, I had fun with him, but he was also the only person who forced me to look beyond my question my motivations behind my actions. He was absolutely my first love and still holds a small corner of my heart....but I can appreciate my love for him in a way that I don't want to or need to let that go. But years later, there was another man.....and we shared a passionate, explosive, even painful love that I cannot probably unheathily holding onto...don't want to get over...but I need to. I am frozen in this longing for him and can't go on with my life. But we have no head knows that even if my heart won't listen.
But the thing is, I really thought that I was over him, that I had moved on.
I first met SS when I was a teenager, his cousin, ND, was my best friend in high school. I would only see him at random family functions and he's a couple years older than me, but I instantly had a crush on him. But ND moved to Hawaii, of all places....and I was young and moved on (and there was always Jeff and the other random boys that I spent my time with). 10 years go by....I went to school, got married, had babies, got divorced....and then ND came back from Hawaii and moved in with me and the boys. I was instantly a part of her large, extended family again. During those 10 years, SS was also living his life.....he also got married, had children, got divorced...oh, and became addicted to drugs and alcohol....spent time in jail, rehab, back to addiction.....he was in a rehab cycle when we met again.
I suppose that it's unfair of me to gloss over how I had changed during those 10 years.....I got married when I was 20 because I was pregnant, the complete story is for another post....but when I got divorced, I was 24, had two small children and I was lost...emotionally and spiritually. So I started doing whatever I could to take my mind off of the lonliness....boys and alcohol.....I partied, it was out of control...I had a job and never left the boys, but when they were with their Dad, or I had a babysitter, I was living the life of another young to mid twentysomething.
So, when I saw SS again....I was also in a cycle of my life where I was trying to fill a void.....and as soon as I saw him, that old rush of teenage crush came back to me. And I was young and selfish. I didn't understand anything about additction or rehab......I was naive to his needs. But, I knew that I didn't have any desire ever to use drugs, I didn't need to drink to have a good time...we were was safe. Our friendship quickly turned into passionate romance....passion that I had never felt in my entire life. But aside from the passion, I was safe with SS, comfortable. He knew what I was thinking by just looking at me. He was beautiful...brown, soft skin, dark hair, with a humble confidence and a wide smile. Our attraction was intoxicating...even addicting. But our naivete and selfishness was ill fated. Becasue even though SS was doing well in his recovery...he was working and attending meetings....he was still only a few months out of rehab....and was not supposed to be in a relationship yet...he needed the opportunity to learn about and trust himself as a person who didn't need drugs to function. It had taken him years to build his additction and it would take years for him to break it. And our love was going so fast, that of course we were destined for a tragedy.....and I got pregnant. And that threw me into the reallity of loving a man who was addicted. It also plummeted me back to the day that I realized I was pregnant with my oldest son....and once again I was a single person faced with a decision and an unplanned pregnancy. Knowing that I was carrying SS's child flipped some switch in me.....immediately drowned my heart in cement....because I knew with all certainty that the timing was wrong....SS was excitind...he wanted me to ask his cousin to move out so that he could move in and we could be a family. But I didn't think that he was ready. I was terrified that I was setting him up to fail. That we would only be hurting the four children that we already had....and I was scared....terrified of being the reason that he went back to drugs.
So I did the unthinkable.
I made the appointment, and he was there for me. But we had already drifted apart. He was already dating someone else even...the woman who cut his hair...but that didn't stop him from asking me to give him a blow job once we got home. Why did he do that? To completely push me prove to the both of us that we were always wrong for each other.
Some time passed, we tried to move on....avoided places or reasons to see each other...but then ND got sick and was hospitalized and we ran into each other at the hospital. He looked different, skinny....said he was working a lot and exercising...we talked....we kissed.......we started calling each other again even though we were each seeing other people.....and he came over one night....I was weak for him. But when I was picking up his pants....a little baggie fell out of the pocket. I was stunned, hurt.....I confronted him and he said that he bought one, only that one and never used it....but I couldn't do it...I thought that I was protecting him and his opportunity for recovery, but only SS could battle those deamons. We ended it again. ND moved out and I stepped away from the family.
I eventually moved to Murrieta, started on my own path to healing and forgiveness...talked to ND occasionally....thought that I had moved on. But then ND started a blog.....and from her blog...I found her family blog....and a post about SS. ND had aleady told me that he had began using again, gone back to jail, back to the middle of all of that, he married the hair dresser...married her!....but now he is back in recovery....going to church....the post was a small snippet....a very minute glimps into his life....he got promoted, with the promotion came a company phone, truck, raise....yeah SS!
And that small post....that minute glimpse into his life made me realize that I have not let go.
I have gone thru significant healing over the abortion......but I don't know how to let go of SS....I don't want to let go of SS.
What is this emotion that I feel towrads it love...obsession? What would I say to him if I even saw him again? He married her....he wanted me once and I turned him away, I abandonded him. But six years later, I can still see his face, hear his voice, smell his skin, feel him touching me....but WHY?
I don't want to feel this, whatever this emotion's painfull, it breaks my heart all over again....what do I have to do to finally let go finally stop crying over him?


Anonymous said...

okay jen, it sounds like to me that you wanted to just take care of ss. you are very motherly,very caring and probably thought you could change him. he wasn't ready and still may not be. yes, every person you met is a soul mate at some level or way. that means that you take whatever it is that you are to learn from them(good or bad) and go from there, and sometimes that means severting them at the root. who will take care of you if you will not?

your temp. texan

Holly said...

he wanted me once and I turned him away, I abandonded him.

This is where you're wrong, babe. You didn't abandon him. You walked away to live your own life, a healthy life.

You said yourself he got back into drugs and the rehab cycle. That's fabulous. But..well, it's a cycle. And being the wonderful woman and mother you are, you needed to walk away from him and do what was best for your family. I have a friend in a similar situation, only she married her man. And now she's dealing with constant rehab and him falling off the wagon and basically a very unhealthy relationship. You deserve better than that.

On the other hand, we can't control our emotions, or who we love. Perhaps you feel an attachment to him because you shared something traumatic with him. Or perhaps you really wanted to save him. Or perhaps you really do love him. It's not easy, but I do think you made the right choice.


jen said...

Mojo & Holls,
Thanks for the love....I think part of the reason why I needed to start blogging was so that I could write things like this down instead of letting them run around in my head for ages....because as soon as I was done typing it, I already felt ok.