about that SS rant....

I think this song fueled part of the emotion....because I just can't get it out of my head...and then I saw the video...and it remided me of us.....and then the news about him on the blog.....ya know. Anyway....I still like the song...and the tattooed boy in the video.

stress and traffic

I've been freaking out a bit because on Wednesday, my senior manager called me into her office and told me that I was being transferred from the San Diego office that I have worked at for the past five years to the Orange County office.

WHAT?

WHAT THE FUCK?

I work in the mortgage business.....and this business is like crack, once you get in, it's nearly impossible to get out...you get addicted to the money when business is good....and when business is bad you get addicted to the hope that business will get better soon and there will be money again....it's very exciting. I also work for a sub=prime lender....ooooohhhhhh. We've been in the news, but we are still open and funding loans and look like we will actually survive the slowness right now.

But in the mean time....business is slow, especially in San Diego. But, the OC office is hot and growing and maybe even bonusing...and they need people. At first, I freaked out. But, I'm trying to look at the positive side to all of this....and it really comes down to money, I guess. If I can make the move up there and actually make bonus, even just a small to mediocre one, that would relieve the $$ stress that I've been feeling for about 7 months now....I wouldn't have to think about moving...I could actually go out to dinner once in a while and get a new pair of shoes :-)

But, that also means OC traffic................ugh!

I have looked at the map and charted out all of the different routes....but it looks like I'm still gonna have to take the dreaded 91. Working in the OC office will add an extra 100 miles per week to my commute. Soooo glad that I bought a V8 Explorer a year ago! And since the 91 is so nasty, it will be likely be a 4 hour commute for me every day. I did find out that there is a train that runs from Riverside to Orange, but I don't know how to get from the train station to the office every day. Maybe I should look into a vespa? Who knows....I'm just trying to stay positive....I still have a job, this could be a good move for me professionally...more opportunities, new faces...blah blah.

But I'm still having trouble getting over the whole WTF aspect of it.

I am a star!

I am a star…not the type of star you are used to seeing. I am not famous. I am not popular. I am not the best at anything. I am not the strongest, smartest, richest, best looking, or best dressed. Bit I am a star.
I am a star because I shine. I have turned the switch on, plugged the power source in, turned the brightness up, and I am going to blind people with my light. People will see God through me because he is in me.
I am a star because I am going to talk. I cannot keep it in. I have a message in me that is a burning fire. Mt message gives hope for the hurting, grace to the ungodly and life to the lost. My message is found in the word. My message is in my hand and I am holding it out there for everyone to see, and I will preach until everyone has heard. I will not shut up.
I am a star that is always ready for action. I am not sitting on the shelf. I am not plastered to the pew. I am not saving it for Sundays. I am lighting it up. I am going where He sends, listening to His voice, following His call. I am ready to make ripples in this world. I am ready for action.
I am a star for a reason. I have passion for lost people. I must save them from the fire. I will not let them ponder on possibilities. Death is certain. Heaven is perfect. Hell is pain. Judgment is permanent. I will save my friends, my family, my classmates, and my enemies. I will save the good people and the bad ones, the athletes and the geeks, the prom kings and the street queens. I will love the unlovable, the untouchable and serve the unservable. I will save people from the fire.
I am a star because I have been delivered. My body has been bought. My foul ups have been forgiven and my soul has been sealed. My deliverer is sending me out to deliver a message of deliverance. Therefore I will be a star in the face of fear, in the midst of martyrdom, and in the presence of the principalities of this present world. A star has been born and I am going to shout it out….
I am a star…for the SUPERSTAR!

My first paper for American Lit 2, I got an 88%

I agree with Everett Carter when he says that America’s realism authors wrote about “morality with an abhorrence of moralizing”. The primary moral of “The Outcasts of Poker Flat” by Bret Harte is ‘don’t judge by appearances’. The story is also infused with secondary morals of sacrifice, caring and sharing. Harte presents all of these lessons subtly within the lines of his story, while also depicting what real life was like in the Wild West.
Harte presents his primary moral of ‘don’t judge by appearances’ through the assumed and actual characteristics of his five main characters. The town of Poker Flat has decided to do some virtuous cleansing by removing a few of it’s undesirable residents; a gambler, a prostitute and her procurer. Mr. Oakhurst is the gambler. He was run out of town for winning too much money from the towns people, but his life was spared because he didn’t win all of the time. Early into the story, Harte begins to reveal Oakhurst’s true nature. Oakhurst allows the Duchess to ride his horse, instead of her own mule. (1475) He is also the one leading the entire group to another town where they can start over. Oakhurst shows compassion to Tom Simson by returning all of the money that the gambler had won from the young man and becomes the strong father figure of the small group trying to survive the snowstorm. (1476) The Duchess is a prostitute and Mother Shipton ran the whorehouse. These women are unmarried and are involved in a degrading and embarrassing lifestyle. Harte reveals to us that the Duchess is simply a woman who needs to be cared for and loved, “The Duchess, without exactly knowing why, felt relieved, and putting her head upon Piney’s shoulder, spoke no more.“ (1481) Mother Shipton is a selfless woman who is constantly looking out for the needs of the other women in the group, she starved herself so that the younger women would have more food. (1480) Based solely upon their professions, the towns people of Poker Flat and the reader assumes that these characters are without any ethics or honor, but Harte reveals them as honest, caring and virtuous people.
Harte also introduces two characters from the town that the outcasts are trying to reach, Tom Simson and his fiancé, Piney Woods. Simson is indebted to Oakhurst because the gambler returned all of the money that he won from the young man and is very willing to now help the gambler. Tom and Piney are young and naïve and are perceived as weak due to their youth and innocence. But they turn out to be the strongest people in the entire group. Tom and Piney generously share their provisions with the outcasts. (1477) Piney plays the according and sings and Tom tells stories of Greek heroes to boost everyone’s moral. (1479/80) Tom is also the one who bravely travels back to Poker Flat to find help to rescue the rest of the group. (1480) When Piney and the Duchess are left alone in the hut to wait for the rescue, Piney takes “the position of the stronger, drew near and placed her arm around the Duchess’s waist.” (1480) Harte provides multiple examples to show that these characters are different from how they were initially perceived.
In addition to showing the reader the true nature of these five characters, Harte also uses them to present more moralistic themes in his story of sacrifice, caring for others and sharing. Oakhurst sacrifices his horse for the Duchess to ride. Mother Shipton sacrifices all of her food so that the younger women may have an opportunity to survive longer. Tom sacrifices his own life in order to find help to rescue the rest of the group. Tom and Piney share all of their provisions with the outcasts so that they all might be able to survive. They also share their talents by entertaining the group and boosting moral. All of the characters take care of each other and put the needs of the group before their own individual needs.
At first glance, “The Outcasts of Poker Flat” is simply a realistic tale of five people who are trying to survive a snowstorm. The story is set in the Wild West, specifically, in the Sierra Mountains. The terrain is rugged, but the party finds the shell of a crude hut where they can make a primitive camp. Harte’s language is simple and representative of the time and setting of the story. The narrative is descriptive and concise, in just a few words, the reader has a clear picture of the characters. The theme of the story is also representative of the world view. All people are guilty of judging other people, whether intentional or not. Harte uses irony to show the outcome of assumption. He is not blatant about the pitfalls of assumption; he doesn’t blame the demise of the outcasts on the residents of Poker Flat who kicked them out. It is the way that he tells the story about these people that shows that he’s not trying to teach a lesson or illustrate the difference between right and wrong. Harte begins the story of “The Outcasts of Poker Flat” by introducing three characters who are typically strong, independent and resilient. In other stories of the Wild West, the gambler and the prostitute are usually the antagonist or vehicles to move the plot along. But Harte makes them sympathetic and human. The reader can identify with these people. He gives them names and mentions their professions only in passing. By the end of the story, they turn out to be the weaker characters of the group. He also takes the two characters who should be weak and makes them strong; the young and innocent Tom and Piney are brave, energetic and hopeful. They end up taking responsibility for the moral and safety of the group.
The eventual fate of Oakhurst, the gambler and leader, is the ultimate irony which drives home the moral of Harte’s story. The story ends with the scene of Oakhurst dead under a tree; “And pulseless and cold, with a Derringer by his side and a bullet in his heart, though still calm as in life, beneath the snow, lay he who was at once the strongest and yet the weakest of the outcasts of Poker Flat.” (1481) Oakhurst was not the man who the townspeople and the reader perceives him to be. He was not the cheating thief or the philosophical leader, he was just a man who lost the desire to persevere.




Work Cited
Baym, Nina, ed. The Norton Anthology of American Literature.
United States: W.W. Norton & Company, INC, 2003.

family pictures

Eric skating....

...and falling

Me and Nick at Legoland in January

Me and Michael at Legoland in January

letting go

It's funny how you can think...well, let yourself believe that you are letting go of something, or someone....but then you hear a song or an old friend comes back from your past and all of those memories and feelings that you had been ignoring come flooding back into your head. I guess I have been thinking a lot about love lately because many of my friends are getting married and I spend a lot of time with middle and high school girls who are obsessed with it...and because it has been so long since I have been......in love. I love, deeply, dearly love many people...more people now than I ever once thought I was capable of loving. But I am not passionately IN LOVE with any of them. I used to know passionate love, at least I thought I did at the time....and looking back now, I think that I can distinguish the difference between the men that I loved and the ones that were just filling the void. My friends who lived through my Jeff days will roll their eyes when I say that even though I was only a teenager.....I loved Jeff with all of my heart. And I know that I loved him because I trusted him, I had fun with him, but he was also the only person who forced me to look beyond my self...to question my motivations behind my actions. He was absolutely my first love and still holds a small corner of my heart....but I can appreciate my love for him in a way that I don't want to or need to let that go. But years later, there was another man.....and we shared a passionate, explosive, even painful love that I cannot forget...am probably unheathily holding onto...don't want to get over...but I need to. I am frozen in this longing for him and can't go on with my life. But we have no future...my head knows that even if my heart won't listen.
But the thing is, I really thought that I was over him, that I had moved on.
I first met SS when I was a teenager, his cousin, ND, was my best friend in high school. I would only see him at random family functions and he's a couple years older than me, but I instantly had a crush on him. But ND moved to Hawaii, of all places....and I was young and moved on (and there was always Jeff and the other random boys that I spent my time with). 10 years go by....I went to school, got married, had babies, got divorced....and then ND came back from Hawaii and moved in with me and the boys. I was instantly a part of her large, extended family again. During those 10 years, SS was also living his life.....he also got married, had children, got divorced...oh, and became addicted to drugs and alcohol....spent time in jail, rehab, back to addiction.....he was in a rehab cycle when we met again.
I suppose that it's unfair of me to gloss over how I had changed during those 10 years.....I got married when I was 20 because I was pregnant, the complete story is for another post....but when I got divorced, I was 24, had two small children and I was lost...emotionally and spiritually. So I started doing whatever I could to take my mind off of the lonliness....boys and alcohol.....I partied, it was out of control...I had a job and never left the boys, but when they were with their Dad, or I had a babysitter, I was living the life of another young to mid twentysomething.
So, when I saw SS again....I was also in a cycle of my life where I was trying to fill a void.....and as soon as I saw him, that old rush of teenage crush came back to me. And I was young and selfish. I didn't understand anything about additction or rehab......I was naive to his needs. But, I knew that I didn't have any desire ever to use drugs, I didn't need to drink to have a good time...we were friends....it was safe. Our friendship quickly turned into passionate romance....passion that I had never felt in my entire life. But aside from the passion, I was safe with SS, comfortable. He knew what I was thinking by just looking at me. He was beautiful...brown, soft skin, dark hair, with a humble confidence and a wide smile. Our attraction was intoxicating...even addicting. But our naivete and selfishness was ill fated. Becasue even though SS was doing well in his recovery...he was working and attending meetings....he was still only a few months out of rehab....and was not supposed to be in a relationship yet...he needed the opportunity to learn about and trust himself as a person who didn't need drugs to function. It had taken him years to build his additction and it would take years for him to break it. And our love was going so fast, that of course we were destined for a tragedy.....and I got pregnant. And that threw me into the reallity of loving a man who was addicted. It also plummeted me back to the day that I realized I was pregnant with my oldest son....and once again I was a single person faced with a decision and an unplanned pregnancy. Knowing that I was carrying SS's child flipped some switch in me.....immediately drowned my heart in cement....because I knew with all certainty that the timing was wrong....SS was excitind...he wanted me to ask his cousin to move out so that he could move in and we could be a family. But I didn't think that he was ready. I was terrified that I was setting him up to fail. That we would only be hurting the four children that we already had....and I was scared....terrified of being the reason that he went back to drugs.
So I did the unthinkable.
I made the appointment, and he was there for me. But we had already drifted apart. He was already dating someone else even...the woman who cut his hair...but that didn't stop him from asking me to give him a blow job once we got home. Why did he do that? To completely push me away...to prove to the both of us that we were always wrong for each other.
Some time passed, we tried to move on....avoided places or reasons to see each other...but then ND got sick and was hospitalized and we ran into each other at the hospital. He looked different, skinny....said he was working a lot and exercising...we talked....we kissed.......we started calling each other again even though we were each seeing other people.....and he came over one night....I was weak for him. But when I was picking up his pants....a little baggie fell out of the pocket. I was stunned, hurt.....I confronted him and he said that he bought one, only that one and never used it....but I couldn't do it...I thought that I was protecting him and his opportunity for recovery, but only SS could battle those deamons. We ended it again. ND moved out and I stepped away from the family.
I eventually moved to Murrieta, started on my own path to healing and forgiveness...talked to ND occasionally....thought that I had moved on. But then ND started a blog.....and from her blog...I found her family blog....and a post about SS. ND had aleady told me that he had began using again, gone back to jail, back to rehab....in the middle of all of that, he married the hair dresser...married her!....but now he is back in recovery....going to church....the post was a small snippet....a very minute glimps into his life....he got promoted, with the promotion came a company phone, truck, raise....yeah SS!
And that small post....that minute glimpse into his life made me realize that I have not let go.
I have gone thru significant healing over the abortion......but I don't know how to let go of SS....I don't want to let go of SS.
Why...why....why....?
What is this emotion that I feel towrads him......is it love...obsession? What would I say to him if I even saw him again? He married her....he wanted me once and I turned him away, I abandonded him. But six years later, I can still see his face, hear his voice, smell his skin, feel him touching me....but WHY?
I don't want to feel this, whatever this emotion is...it's painfull, it breaks my heart all over again....what do I have to do to finally let go him....to finally stop crying over him?

where are the words?

I suppose that whenever anyone starts a blog...the first post is supposed to be about why they are blogging...what has led them to this point.....ok.....here are my reasons for starting a blog.

1. I suck at email...I'm on the computer all day at work and all night for school and really hate emailing letters and pictures....I don't know why, but it annoys me....I guess I don't find any pleasure in it, it's not personal...I also hate talking on the phone..I prefer personal, physical conversation.

2. But, I love to write...and since I've been back in school, the desire to write has been growing and I am finding that I actually have things to say, things that I need to get out. Reactions to whatever I may be reading in my lit classes that just aren't appropriate to post / discuss in class.

3. I also have many friends and family accross the country, with whom I am terrible about emailing, so I can also use this as a lazy way to keep in touch....takes some of the responsibility off me, I post and it's up to them to check it or not.

4. I have become a blog stalker lately....and it's probably creepy that I lurk around reading about other people and that kinda made me want to write one of my own even more.

Soooooo, this is me...