Evidence that I did it

Two and a half months ago, I did it. I pierced my nose....woohoo. On Monday, I was asked to take it out for work, boooooo. When I did it, we had not received a copy of the personnel manual and my director said it was ok. But things have changed and it had to come out. I do miss it....but getting my nose pierced was more about knowing that I could do it rather than having it in for the rest of my life.

But, I still need the evidence that I did it. :-)

Friendship, an open letter

Dear Friend,
I don't want to be a hypocrite...I know that I'm not consistent in maintaining long distance friendships, but even if we haven't talked in a few months, I still love you because you are my friend and I know that when we do speak again we will get caught up on each others lives and it will all be good. I say this so that you will know that I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but am acknowledging it and an trying to change it. I assumed that you felt the same way.....but what happens when you assume? That's right, you make an ass of you and me. I still can't make myself believe that you were in town and didn't call me. I expect the others to act foolish and mean, because they are....I never felt the same bond of friendship with them that I thought we had. I need you to know that you hurt me and I don't deserve it. I didn't create or contribute to the pain in the past, I thought that I was standing by you even though I made different decisions. If I were to call you, I think I would only be able to yell and scream and tell you to get over yourself and grow up....but I don't want to hurt you.
But I don't want to be your friend any more either.

Why haven't I been writing?

Which is a good question....I'm not a big fan of taking a critical look at myself and my current habits...so this should be fun!
1. I've been busy
Which is true...but any busier than normal.....ummm not really.
2. I've been compartmentalizing
Ohhhh...isn't that a great word! I learned it at a youth ministry conference a few months back. I think that once I heard the term and the idea behind it...I thought to myself, "I don't think I do that, my life is an open book." And then I started to do it and just now realized that it was happening. I think it started as a way to protect myself. I recently started living a very public life where I am going to be critized and judged for everything that I do...not that it's a surprise, but I'm really starting to be aware of it happening and I have to learn how to deal with it. I avoided the blog because early on, I wrote about some very difficult things about my past. It felt great to write about it, but once I started to work so much in the church, I was ashamed of it again. It's still not something that I am comfortable talking about...even though I thought that I had resolved that issue, apparantly not.
3. It's hard to be honest with myself
Because that means I have to be honest with God. I know in my head that He already knows all of this stuff anyway...but there's something about the process of thinking of, speaking of, writing of my fears and sins that forces me to aknowledge the truth of them that it painful. I'm sure that I'm supposed to feel this pain so that I won't relive it, but it doesn't erase the fact that I'm not actively looking for ways to feel pain. I am actively looking for ways to avoid pain.

But I miss writing and I miss the honest relationship that I was having with myself and Jesus. I thought about just writing in a journal, but it's not the same...I think that I need the accountability of blogging and the community that it gave me with faraway friends.

I am recommitting to my blog, to writing and to honesty.....hooray!